I had cavities at a young age, which became regular for me to need teeth either pulled or worked on, and I can remember a specific moment that I allowed to impact me forever. I was in gym class during my 8th grade year, right after a bad ice storm. School closed for over a week and many people were left without power during that time. Unfortunately for me and my little brother, our backyard had a pole that had been so badly damaged due to falling from the weight of the ice, that I was the last in my class to have electricity back on. Anyways, I walked past my group of “friends” and heard them talking about how badly my breath stunk and I immediately broke down and didn’t speak for the rest of the day.

I assumed people didn’t like me at a young age, because of how I secluded myself. I assumed girls didn’t like me, because I never smiled or attempted to make friends. I had a horrid home life and truly believed that nobody liked nor loved me.
I could keep going but you get the gist- all in all, I was in constant shame of myself; very self-conscious and insecure.

How could I possibly be so insecure? They always asked me this, if only they knew where it stemmed. I’m grateful for the understanding of being able to heal from my childhood and allow myself to love me for me- and feel amazing and beautiful again.

So…. Who am I now?
I’m the pretty girl from your hometown who is showing up on your feed on every social media app. Nothing crazy like most influencers because that certainly isn’t my goal. But popular? Accidentally, yes. I go into any store and people stare, even on pajama days and messy buns. I’m the girl that every guy lusts over and I make friends with every female in my presence. I can sense the ones that are like me, or that were at one point. Whether it be a young girl or grown woman, I can be your friend, and I want to be. I’m the girl that’s big in community events, and people look up to me now. I get hired for jobs everywhere. I’m the adult woman that young girls aspire to be like- I am who I needed as a child.

How did I get this way? How do I feel so okay with saying something so cocky like those last few lines?

Well. Because I grew. I started loving myself. Into my early adulthood, I learned how to do my hair. I didn’t need someone to teach me anything, I just practiced. My makeup? I practiced. I am and always was naturally beautiful, so I learned to make my eyebrows look well done and I learned to dress in a classy, attractive way. I learned which shoes made me feel comfortable but also made my feet not look like clown feet. I take care of my teeth, as well as I can. I’m still a busy mom and let things get away from me. I educated myself and stayed up to date on trending topics.

I became a friendly person.
I learned that people didn’t ever actually dislike me, I was just off put by my own insecurities. I didn’t attempt to maintain friendships because I thought I was annoying or not good enough, I was deep down very jealous in a way and that in turn manifested outwardly as insecurities.

Something else I learned, which has been my biggest help as far as becoming the woman I am today; I don’t assume what people may think of me, I don’t assume what people may feel of me. I don’t ever assume or think about what others may be thinking negatively about. If someone doesn’t say something directly, then I don’t allow myself to be bothered by uncertainties. I don’t read into situations like I did throughout my childhood, I just live and communicate directly. Pretty well: If they don’t say it with their chest, then I ignore any indication of animosity or subliminal negativity or hate. I know what is socially appropriate, so I act in such ways.

I walk in a room and my head is held high. My hands holding each other behind my back. Now, I’m not perfect by any means, I’m still very clumsy. But if I trip, drop an object, or do something ridiculously crazy, I just embody the entire ideal that, I’m still human. I don’t allow myself to be embarrassed and I can laugh with others if they find something I did was silly. I don’t let my normal, human nature be something. I’m still all me. I don’t hide any part of myself to fit in. I am unapologetically all me and only me. I don’t pay mind to what others think whatsoever.

I am kind. I am helpful and generous. I put myself out there, and people flock to me because of it. I found my home in spirituality. I use divination tools daily, and I believe in Karma. I only treat people how I want to be treated and I never do anything that could purposely negatively affect another person’s life. Crystals are my best friends, and I swear they help me too.

Anyways, moral of the story- You can be whatever you want to be. You can do whatever you want to do. You can be whoever. You just had to do, learn, find a way. Work hard and you can achieve everything. I had the wrong impression of not only myself but others my entire life. Now, I don’t judge, and I continue to grow and work hard daily, all to become the most divine version of myself of course. If you ever need a friend, want advice, or would like to know more about me…give me a follow or shoot me a message whenever. Much Love Always.

By Courtney Pages

Mother, Writer, Survivor + So Much More. 😉

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